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Monday, September 26, 2011

Supernatural 7.01 Recap: Villains That Will Kill You BUT ARE ADORABLE Part 1

Alright, so I already discussed the awesomeness of the new title card and Sam's hair; the other important item of business is "The Road So Far" Montage, which is set to Foghat's "Slow Ride." 

Important elements in "The Road So Far": Sam let Lucifer out of his cage, so Sam had to put Lucifer back in; Sam said "Yes" to Lucifer and Lucifer got inside him (No, YOU'RE gross); Sam plus Lucifer jumped into a cage in Hell; Sam came back in Season Six but he was acting really weird, so Cas soul-fisted him and discovered that, oopsie, Sam didn't have a soul--No, I'm not being gross! Soul-fisting is a real thing that happened on the show!
They referred to it on the show as a "soulonoscopy"

Um, so, anywhoodle, Death gave Sam his soul back and told Dean cryptically to "keep digging" because "it's about the souls"; Cas made a deal with the King of Hell, Crowley, because making deals with demons is always an awesome idea and never backfires; Cas got a bunch of Heavenly Weapons from his old friend Balthazar but then Cas stabbed him in the back with a pointy sword; Cas broke down the wall in Sam's head that was keeping away Sam's memories of his time in the cage with Lucifer, so Sam went all catatonic; Cas and Crowley opened up Purgatory and Cas swallowed up all the souls in Purgatory, keeping all the power for himself; Crowley fled; Cas's Archangel ArchEnemy Raphael got exploded; Sam pulled himself together long enough to stab Cas in the back with a pointy sword, but it didn't work because, according to Cas, "I'm not an Angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. And you will bow down and profess your love to me, your Lord. Or I will destroy you." Then the camera zoomed in on Cas's face, and he squinted.

And that's how Season Six ended. With squinting.

Season Seven picks up exactly where Season Six ended. God!Cas or Godstiel is actually kind of fun. He calls Dean a "brave little ant," and says that they were once his "favorite pets." 

I actually find him oddly sexy, which I know most Cas fans will see as blasphemy (pun awesomely intended). I know back when Sam was Soulless!Sam and people were like "Soulless!Sam is kind of hot!" my reaction was "BITE YOUR TONGUE HEATHENS! SOULLESS!SAM IS NOT SEXY! HE IS AN ABOMINATION!" I understand that it's hard to see one of your favorite characters go bad. Hear me out:

Brief Sidebar on Why Soulless!Sam Was Not Sexy
For starters, he totally lacked any cool abilities or real power. The big clue that something was off about him was that he kept acting like a jerk. It turned out that this was because he didn't have any feelings. Because he had no soul. So that was his big super-power: Being a jerk. Oh, and he didn't sleep. Awesome! So basically he was a big, muscly guy without empathy. Like...that's it? Basically he's a really revved-up frat boy?

Also, Soulless!Sam was way, way too into the manscaping:

 I know I'm supposed to be unbearably turned on by the shirtless soulless guy and his "Look at all the fucks I don't give" attitude about getting a girl's phone number, but all I can think about the is the chest waxing scene from The Forty Year Old Virgin. 

Anywhoodle, back to the recap:

God!stiel is kind of hot because he actually has power and wants to do something with it; there's a discernible personality in there, puffed up with the arrogance of power.

Anyway, God!stiel tells the boys that he won't kill them because there's no point in killing them, which is Television Villain Code for "I can't kill you because you're the main characters" (plus, I think Cas is still secretly hoping they'll come round and love him).

Sam gets a "Flames! Flames on the side of my faaaaaace!" flashback to Hell:

I always think he looks like he's about to sneeze.
Cas is like "Good luck with the Hell flashbacks, I ain't gonna fix ya" and vanishes. We next see him up in Heaven (which coincidentally looks a lot like Vancouver), giving a very dominatrix-y speech about how free will is not the answer and "you need a firm hand." The camera pans up to show us that God!Cas has made good on his promise to kill any angel followers of Raphael.

Angels look pretty when they die
Castiel declares it a "new day on earth as it is heaven" as we go into Awesome New Title Cards. We come back to a cool shot of Dean upside down in the Impala, trying to push his baby back into shape after she was crushed by Crowley Demon Smoke in the season finale.

Bobby appears and asks if Dean is "fixing her or primal screamin'." Rightside up, it kind of looks like Bobby is coaching Dean through a very odd birthing class:

Dean gets out of the car, and he and Bobby have an Angsty Expository Conversation: Sam is still out cold, and there's no sign of "God Part Deux." Bobby isn't really sure what he should be looking for: "Miracles? Mass visions? Trench coat on a tortilla?"

Back inside, Dean goes to get a beer, and Sam appears. Dean is impressed that Sam is "walkin' and talkin'." Sam is like "I'm fine! I'm good! Everything's cool!" He makes the odd decision to sit on a table and, given his size, I briefly fear for the table:

Sam is -- as always -- the Worst Liar Ever, and while he's insisting that he's fine, he's making this face:
I look like a kicked puppy because I'm so happy to be so fine with nothing bothering me
Dean tries valiantly to believe him and says, "Why put a gift horse under a microscope?" It's a testament to how not-fine Sam actually is that he does not call Dean out on this extraordinarily tortured metaphor.  As Sam goes to follow Dean outside, he turns around. Ominous music plays, as Sam reflects on the glory of his Season Seven hair and leaves no one watching in any doubt that's he's still Totes Hallucinating Hell.

ELSEWHERE, we see a sign for a church that says, "Believe in God, he walks among us."  Inside said church, a Ted Haggard look-a-like starts is giving a speech about "media" and "Hollywood" and "Lady Gaga" and how "plenty speak for Them and their lifestyles." He gestures wildly and says, "That's why we raise our voices and picket their so-called weddings and their funerals..." Oh, burn on you, Westboro Baptist Church! 

Now, over the years, Supernatural has given us lots of different kinds of porn. Soul fisting! Cas talking about how everyone needs a firm hand! But suddenly, we're getting an entirely different kind of porn.

...Liberal porn!

God!Cas strides up the aisle of the church and tells Ted Haggard look-a-like that he doesn't speak for God. "I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation," deadpans Cas.

Ted Haggard remains unimpressed.
Wait, sorry, that's actually Ted Haggard. Fake!Ted Haggard remains unimpressed.

Until Cas says "I cannot abide hypocrites like you. Tell your flock where your genitals have been before you speak for me."

And makes Fake!Ted Haggard choke on his own tongue.

As he leaves, God!Cas starts to hear voices. He looks at the church windows and sees this:

Really? They had Jesus in pink robes and no one picked up on the fact that the pastor was a closeted homo?

He changes it to this:

Back at Bobby's, Sam is in the basement and starts hallucinating that the basement is full of Hellraiser-style meat hooks. Bobby appears and despite the fact that Sam is cowering in a corner, Sam pretends that he's fine and Bobby pretends to believe him because that's how communication works on this show.

Next, "Drive Fast, Take Chances" plays as Bobby's television shows us that that over two hundred religious leaders have been killed. A woman on the TV says, "We all saw him...No beard, no robes...He was young...and sexy. And he wore a raincoat..." Dean gets pissy at the "sexy" part and turns off the TV.

And thus begins the "Acts of Cas!" montage. As Dean fixes the Impala, he hears on the radio that the Klu Klax Klan has been ordered to disband and says, "Can't argue with that one." As Sam and Dean continue to work on the Impala, they hear that the "Center for Vibrational Enlightenment" has burned down, which "represents the worst loss in motivational speaker history." Dean comments that "I don't think New Cas gets irony any better than Old Cas."

Sam wants to talk to Cas again, but Dean insists that they can't. Sam makes a  stupendous bitchface:


Meanwhile, in a delightful TRAILER PARK elsewhere, as "These Boots Were Made For Walking" plays, we meet our favorite sassy villain, Crowley, and I nearly explode with joy. Crowley is hiding from Cas and drinking scotch. Cas appears anyway, however, and says, "I never lost you." Crowley looks up at all the protection sigils he's scrawled all over his delightful trailer and says, "Can't blame a girl for trying." Then, because he's Crowley and physically incapable of talking without some Threatening Homoerotic Double Entendre, he leers that Cas must just like to "bend them right over."

And then he makes an adorable "Just go ahead and smite me!" face:

When Cas doesn't smite him, the face gets even more adorable:

Basically, Cas needs Hell to threaten his enemies with, so Crowley can continue to run Hell, as long as Cas "controls the flow."

Back at the Bobby ranch, Sam is reading alone and hallucinates that a chain descends from the ceiling and chokes him. Deciding that maybe now is the moment to fess up to the "Hell-u-cinations" (U C WHAT I DID THERE?), Sam goes in search of Dean and Bobby. He conveniently overhears them talking about...him. Dean says he doesn't really believe that Sam is alright, because "we never catch a break." (Dean has become Whiney Dean; luckily it's the beginning of the season, and I'm hoping he'll snap out of it). Dean doesn't want to get his hopes up about Sam and get "kicked in the Daddy pills again." However, everything sucks right now, says Dean, so it would be so great, wouldn't it, if this one thing were going right?

Shockingly, Sam then goes to talk to them and DOESN'T tell them about his Hell-u-cinations. He says that "a publishing house literally just exploded" and that "the body count is really getting up there." Bobby says he'd like to stop Cas, but "I left my God Guns at home." Sam takes the opportunity to remind the audience about Balthazar's Heavenly Weapons, but Dean says that he doesn't think someTHING might kill God -- however, there might be someONE. DUN!

Cut to the boys summoning and trapping Crowley, who is less than pleased about the turn of events.

He laments that "My new boss is going to kill me for even talking to you lot!" When Sam asks who his new boss is, Crowley snaps, "Castiel, you giraffe." Crowley explains that Cas is everybody's boss now, so "What do you think he's going to do when he finds out we've been conspiring?" AND THEN, in the MOST ADORABLE VILLAIN LINE EVER TO BE UTTERED, Crowley inquires, vulnerably, " want to conspire, don't you?"

It's at this point that I decided the episode was all about the Adorable Villains. AND THERE"S SO MUCH MORE TO COME!

Bobby has clearly been listening to Crowley's audiobooks on How To Make Threatening Homoerotic Smalltalk because he snarks back, "No, we just want you to stand there and look pretty."

The upshot is, they want Crowley to give them the instructions on how to Bind Death, so they can make Death kill Cas. Crowley insists that Death will "mash us like peas!" and gets all Cockney for a moment, asking if Dean is " 'aving a larf?"

Onto Part 2 in which the VILLAINS GET EVEN CUTER. 

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